Friday, February 4, 2011

Close, but sooooo far away.

I was reading about the Columbine massacre today. It's strange, it's almost poetic reading the story of Eric and Dylan. I felt drawn into it. I could feel the pain they felt, the confusion, the rejection and the sense of superiority as I felt all those things as well during my high school years.

I wasn't appalled, I felt bad for them. Not bad in the sense that I think I could have cured them and prevented it from ever happening, but bad in that only an extremely small percentage of people will ever really understand what it was that they were trying to do.

I am not supporting or condoning murder as a viable way to get ones point across, but I can relate to feeling so obscure, so out of place and frustrated that you feel like the only way that you could ever get through to that infinitesimal percentage of people who just may be feeling something like you is to do something so big that they have no choice but to notice.

I remember walking through the halls of my old school, filled with lesser humans, may as well have been alone. I had friends, but they were just there to keep up the facade of the social contract. School was a bitter double edged blade for me. I loved learning, soaked up all the knowledge that I could, but I hated the people, the bastards that would endlessly parade around in some fictitious song and dance ceaselessly competing for what they dubbed "popularity".

I felt alone, yet surrounded by a sea of automatons whose only purpose was to irritate me and replicate.

Yes, I felt superior, superior because I recognized the futility of life and chose not to participate. I felt the only good thing for them, was a mass exodus.

So, yes, I feel their pain, I understand what could drive them to the very edge of existence and look out beyond and see nothing. I recognize now that there are others who can understand that there is no meaning to life, that we can carve our own path and that the only way to become a success in one's own eyes is to define what success is to you and know that it really does not matter for life is as insignificant to the history of the universe as the plastic that we will inevitably leave behind.


  1. I remember watching the Columbine thing while it was happening. One of the most memorable days of my life.

  2. At the time it happened I was more concerned with the fact that the media was glorifying it instead of reporting it for what it was. Everyone immediately began to argue about who to blame and no one stopped to think about the fact that people died, including the perpetrators. Kids. My age.

  3. It's tough to come to terms with and accept that people view the existence of humanity differently. For the longest time, it made me angry whenever someone pointed to deities every time something pleasant happened. Eventually, I realized that there was no point in being upset about these things. Life becomes much easier when you don't stress over the small things.

  4. I agree, I have to because it is true. Everyone views everything differently.

    I wouldn't say it is a matter of stressing over things, whether they be small or large, as everyone would perceive their issues in a different way. I rather view it as a disconnect from everything. We (or I) don't stress over things, but we feel alone, unable to share anything with anyone without being criticized and shunned.

    I don't know, I understand what you mean, but I don't feel comfortable with the notion that someone thinks I felt stressed by any of it. Not that you feel that way, but your comment may suggest to others that I felt that way.

    See, the long of the short of it is, the more I don't care about ...whatever, the more I end up over my head in it. People mistake my interest for this "caring" but in actuality it is a curiosity. Like that which a sentient machine would gaze upon a caterpillar in it's chrysalis.

    Now I am babbling and I have strayed way off the point.

  5. I guess people just react very differently to the notion that life is meaningless and futile. Personally, I found it to be a liberating realization.

  6. Don't take this in the wrong context, but, how has it liberated you? What have you done differently?

    Again, I am not poking at you to incite defense, I am truly curious as to how you have been affected by the realization.