Saturday, April 30, 2011

Must. Keep. Working.

All work and no play,

Friday, April 29, 2011

Pedophile/Ephebophile, those are just fancy words for Awesome!

When I had a job, I would often find myself overhearing and then in the midst of these types of morality debates. As if they matter to begin with, I would often just say things to get a rise out of people. I would typically never let my real thoughts on subjects be known.

Anyway, the radio was on and it was something to the tune of a concert announcement for one of these disney pop starlets. We will say, because I don't remember and it makes the most sense, it was Hannah Montana.

Honestly, I have no clue how it shifted over to men being pigs for ogling her. I know I didn't start it because at this point I was still just listening from a distance, and no one knew I was in the room.

Then I heard the fated statement.

"Sick Pedophiles"

Normally, I tread very carefully around this subject even when doing my usual ploy to dupe people into thinking I am a certain way, only because it seems to be such a taboo subject that the mere insinuation that one is devious towards children can lead to a whole shitload of unwanted attention.

This time, I had to say something. I think any male reading this (I don't think I have any female readers) knows exactly where this is going. I turned to her, and in a very uncharacteristic move, spoke my true feelings on the matter quite bluntly. I told her that I found Miley to be very attractive and that it ddn't make me sick. Her rebuttal was that she was underage and it truly was sick to think of her in a sexual manner.

This is normally the point where anyone with even a remote amount of knowledge in a subject realizes that the person they are speaking with is a total imbecile and regardless of the amount of factual, logic based information you present them with they are very happy to just shut you out and refuse anything. This phenomenon is most prevalent in religious debates although I hesitate to use the term "debate".

I simply looked at her again and said, "I'd do her in a heartbeat" then turned and walked back to my office.

I felt a little empty, I wanted to convince her that being attracted to this:

and this

and this

 was not wrong. It is simply the brain responding to what it has been trained to respond to.


But, by today's standards if you think this is attractive:

then you are fucked in the head. Forget for a moment that this is an actual promotion shot for a movie that has been released. Meaning this is how we were all meant to see it. Not a candid shot. Not an accidental photo of Dakota Fanning slipped out to the public by sneaky paparazzi.

For that matter, lets examine a candid shot of another young disney star. Selena Gomez:

Young, I would be branded a pedophile, or more appropriately an ephebophile, if I had a single sexual thought about her. What about you. Do you find her attractive? She has breasts and curves, all of which are apparent through her clothing, all of which we are programmed to seek out and BE attracted to regardless of age.

Lets take a trip back in time shall we? Say 2003. Cover of Vanity Fair.

Find any of these girls sexually attractive?


Well then.

Only one of these girls was of an age which would be considered appropriate for an adult male to have sexual feelings towards, and despite the title "It's totally raining TEENS" (which isn't suggestive enough) Alexis Bledel was 22 at the time of this cover.

Duff and Wood were 15, Lohan was 16 about to turn 17, Raven the Twins and Bynes were 17 some just barely, and Moore was 19.

Anyway, I have a lot of points here.

We teach our kids to be more cautious and scared of sex and nudity than murder and violence.

Media will flaunt little girls in our faces and tell us something is wrong if we like it.

They will flood TV with violence, aggression, and gore all of which has only had it's restrictions alleviated through the years. Yet peace and lovemaking are the enemy and considered perverse.

We leave our children untended with games with severely graphic depictions of murder and gore.  Yet we will panic and scream bloody murder over a nipple being exposed to our youth's eyes.

Don't misunderstand, I love games, violent ones and fucked up sexual ones the same. But when we shelter ourselves from sex and nudity more than we do from violence and hate, don't you think we may have taken a wrong turn somewhere?

Thursday, April 28, 2011

There is no fate

I have literally been drawing my fingers down to the nubs. I am in love with this story I am working on, so much so that it feels like I have become the character that it is about. Everything in my life now has a different color to it, everything I see simply turns into a new object to be transformed into the pages of the novel.
I have sketched out so many character concepts and scenes, written countless pages of scenes and commentary. I have researched weapons and clothing styles, and rearranged everything in my production area to conform to my creative streak.
I constantly alternate between digital work and paper sketches. I have grown so far beyond caring whether or not a single other person ever sees this. This one is for me and me alone.

I am still not satisfied with my abilities, I need quite a bit more practice. Nay, what I need is a lifetime of wisdom and technique development crammed into the past few months so everything I draw doesn't seem so flat. I am confident I will develop to the point of acceptability, I just hope it happens before I can't do it anymore.

I wish I could transfer my years of musical development over to artistry, that would make things easier. I don't think I wasted my life perfecting the drums for the past 20 years, but the fact that I don't even play for anyone anymore and focus all my energy on art doesn't help quell those feelings.

I guess, I wouldn't trade who I am or what I went through for anything, but it would be nice to know more people with a similar background as me, although I don't think I have ever come across anyone like that.

Sometimes, when I stare off into space, I can't even remember who I was. Which is good. There is nothing there I really care to recall, but it does make it difficult to fit in most days. Family gatherings, social outings, these are never easy things for me to deal with. Not because I am not good at them, more because they take work. Whereas most people spend time around others and they are just "being" I have to act. I have to constantly put on a show in order to not raise suspicion. Like a computer constantly running a background task it becomes taxing on me so I usually prefer to avoid these types of things for long periods. Even when I am just with my own family, it is no different. I feel bad for them, always wondering why I keep to myself so much, always in another room. The only time I can relax is when I am by myself.
Even then it can be taxing.
I think back to all the people I've known, those who thought of me as a friend, if they only knew that I never once cared for them at all. Would they have treated me differently?

This life, this prison amongst humanity, has become far too taxing on my soul.

Perhaps that is why I am pouring so much effort into this piece.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Every conversation on the internet

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Trade the handshake for a fist

If you have not heard this I suggest listening to it. I don't give a fuck about politics or whatever meaning you may think it has towards our plight as a country. While you are listening to it as an American, it is just as meaningful if heard by a Palestinian or an Asian. Not everything is made for Americans.

I just like the harmonic swings, the gently pauses, the melodic way in which the tones dance across my ears, and the gentle pulsing sensations of the pressure waves it produces.

The fuck?

Ah, Easter, the day we all pay homage to the Bunny who rescued christ from the caves of despair by vividly decorating the deceased, bastard offspring of hens.

PS, I didn't make that.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Yes, it truly is

I saw this on reddit today and I just had to share. I love when things can induce a sincere belly laugh.

Game graphics update

A few posts back I alerted you to the fact that I was doing a graphics overhaul for a game called "The Farplane Wars" I have a few very early phase renders of how one of the enemy ships is coming along.

These were done in Maya with basic materials and almost no tweaks, also the light and shading were basic with only minor adjustments. I pumped these out only to see how they coming along and to show the game developer.

Progress is slower than I would hope, but I am juggling so many more things than I thought I would be at this stage in my life.
No Job and no one to answer to and it seems as if I have more to do and less time than I ever did when I was sacrificing my 40hours a week to a company. It is much more satisfying though as all that time is consumed now with things I love and not the mindless clanking of corporate cogs.

Saturday, April 16, 2011


Where did all my readers go?

I was getting comments on every post and then nothing. If my content has just dropped off that's fine, I understand, it just seemed pretty drastic. I didn't feel as if I changed my subject matter at all.

Oh well, I guess the ride couldn't last forever.

Thursday, April 14, 2011


So, I did this MASSIVE inking yesterday. Took me all day. Started at about 9am and finished inking about 4:30pm, and that was just the first panel. I started coloring it but didn't want to burn myself out so I got up and took a nap on my recliner. When I returned to the computer it had reboot to install updates and in my marathon run of work I guess I never bothered to save the work (although I swear I did, I am insane about saving work) Anyway, whole day wasted.

On a good note the practice was great.

On a bad note though, I am still pretty terrible.

I am trying to jump right into this whole "write my own manga" scenario and I really don't have the proper foundation to do it the way I want. It really is tearing me apart inside. I was seriously so depressed the other day that I was in tears because I couldn't draw my main character. When I close my eyes I see him but I am just lacking the skill to get him out. On top of that, I can't even see the female counterpart in my head. Possibly the most important and meaningful character in the whole story and I can't even see what she looks like.


I considered paying someone to draw it for me, I would just sketch out all the scenes, but that will leave me feeling empty and dissatisfied. I want this to be my own. I practice every fucking day, all day, literally. I draw on my computer, I draw on my sketchbooks, I draw on my laptop, I draw while watching TV, I draw while falling asleep. I read about drawing while I am not drawing, I draw things I am not good at drawing over and over and over again til I am satisfied with it, then I draw it some more. Then, when I go to draw MY pieces, they just look like crap.

I see some people I know, that I grew up with and they just were always able to do it and it makes me think that perhaps I was just not meant to do this. They have been doing it all their lives and I am starting so late how can I ever expect to accomplish anything? If I wasn't meant for this, then how the fuck am I going to get this goddamn story out of my head. I don't want to just write it.

I guess I will just keep at it.
I will keep losing sleep over it.
and one day,
I'll have my Manga.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

So Sick.

I'm losing it.

and by losing it I mean lost it.

I'm sick, sick in ways I can't even discuss with people who know me.

When I look at people, and think of the day to day routine that they trudge through, I feel violent. I was never meant for this life of mediocrity and routine.

I was shopping with the woman I live with this weekend. We needed some things.
I sat in the car in the parking lot for a moment and watched as the patrons entered and exited.
I filled with disgust.
Not for them personally, but rather their complacence with the ordinary.

How would they respond if threatened? Would they cower, cry, run? How many would stand and fight. How many have already? Which one of these automatons could place their instincts ahead of their sloth?

The reliance that they feel on knowing that everything will be okay, and that it could never happen to me has stripped them of their ability to live.

I feel sick.

I was not meant for this kind of life.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Every day, farther away

I'm praying for rain
I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way
I wanna watch it all go down.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Chapter One, Never Again

P.3 F1
Only when we were together did we have a reason to keep going. world is a endless pit of gray without her.
no names,
no faces.  

No Mercy.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Chapter One, Never Again

P. 2 F1
They took from me the only beautiful thing I ever had.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I'll take just what I came for

So glad to see you well, overcome them
Completely silent now
With heaven's help
You've cast your demons out
And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you off your cloud
But I'm more than just a little curious
How you're plannin' to go about makin' your amends
To the dead
To the dead

Recall the deeds as if they're all

Someone else's
Atrocious stories
Now you stand reborn
Before us all
So glad to see you well

And not to pull your halo down

Around your neck and tug you to the ground
But I'm more than just a little curious
How you're plannin' to go about makin' your amends
To the dead
To the dead

With your halo slippin' down

Your halo slippin'
Your halo slippin' down
Your halo slippin' down

Your halo slippin' down

(I'm more than just a little curious
How you're plannin' to go about makin' your amends)

Your halo slippin' down

Your halo's slippin' down to choke you now

Today is the Day.

The Legacy comes to my home.

I may just have to finish working on the theater for this one...

Monday, April 4, 2011

Chapter One

I should have walked away. 
I should have ran.