Tortured

So, I did this MASSIVE inking yesterday. Took me all day. Started at about 9am and finished inking about 4:30pm, and that was just the first panel. I started coloring it but didn't want to burn myself out so I got up and took a nap on my recliner. When I returned to the computer it had reboot to install updates and in my marathon run of work I guess I never bothered to save the work (although I swear I did, I am insane about saving work) Anyway, whole day wasted.

On a good note the practice was great.

On a bad note though, I am still pretty terrible.

I am trying to jump right into this whole "write my own manga" scenario and I really don't have the proper foundation to do it the way I want. It really is tearing me apart inside. I was seriously so depressed the other day that I was in tears because I couldn't draw my main character. When I close my eyes I see him but I am just lacking the skill to get him out. On top of that, I can't even see the female counterpart in my head. Possibly the most important and meaningful character in the whole story and I can't even see what she looks like.

Fuck.

I considered paying someone to draw it for me, I would just sketch out all the scenes, but that will leave me feeling empty and dissatisfied. I want this to be my own. I practice every fucking day, all day, literally. I draw on my computer, I draw on my sketchbooks, I draw on my laptop, I draw while watching TV, I draw while falling asleep. I read about drawing while I am not drawing, I draw things I am not good at drawing over and over and over again til I am satisfied with it, then I draw it some more. Then, when I go to draw MY pieces, they just look like crap.

I see some people I know, that I grew up with and they just were always able to do it and it makes me think that perhaps I was just not meant to do this. They have been doing it all their lives and I am starting so late how can I ever expect to accomplish anything? If I wasn't meant for this, then how the fuck am I going to get this goddamn story out of my head. I don't want to just write it.

I guess I will just keep at it.
I will keep losing sleep over it.
and one day,
I'll have my Manga.